Obi Wanna Rap?

At least something good came of my wasting countless hours surfing Youtube...

Movie Review: Samuel Bayer's A Nightmare on Elm Street

Lacking the personality of any original, 1980's, slasher film, the remake of A Nightmare on Elm Street will be forgotten as nonchalantly as it was conceived. Failing to truly scare or titillate, as any film in the genre must in order to make up for its own inherent lack of credibility, the greatest appeal this new Nightmare can claim is its nostalgic ties to Wes Craven's 1984 original, albeit with better film stock.

The plot is very similar to the original story. Teens in a quiet, suburb-heavy American town begin dying, but no one can explain why. First, Dean (Kellan Lutz) kills himself in public, but not before telling his sort-of girlfriend, Kris (the lovely and hard-to-track-down-in-real-life Katie Cassidy), that his nightmares have been a problem. Kris soon starts to dream about the same man Dean did, Freddy (Jackie Earle Haley), and she discovers that other teens in town are having the same dreams. But when Freddy kills them in their dreams, they die in real life, though Freddy leaves no physical evidence other than gallons of blood. Soon, their friends dropping at a slower rate than one would expect from a 2010 horror film, Nancy (Rooney Mara) and Quentin (Kyle Gallner) realize they have to stay awake long enough to figure out how to defeat Freddy on his own turf, or else they're next. Freddy's origin, and link to his victims, is revealed through the investigation.

There's very little I can add to all of the mainstream reviews for Nightmare. No, there is nothing original enough here to warrant a remake, much less the label "reimagining." Yes, some of the special effects are distractingly bad, though the production values, in general, dwarf those of the original, as they have in all three major, spiritless remakes (this one, plus Rob Zombie's Halloween and Marcus Nispel's Friday the 13th).

And, much like those other films, the major downfall of A Nightmare on Elm Street is its lack of imagination. The kills, which are conventionally the orgasmic payoff at the end of minutes upon minutes of teen misbehavior and asking-for-it decadence, are generally plain and forgettable. Perplexingly, the gorgeous young students of this film are the only slasher teens ever to have no interest in partying, having sex, or abusing substances, making one wonder why director Samuel Bayer bothers killing them off at all. They do, however, bathe while nude.

Haley, whom I absolutely love, is cardboard as Freddy Krueger, whose iconic status will continue to be defined by Robert Englund's painfully stupid, pun-dropping incarnation in the original films. The rest of the cast does a fine job looking pretty and acting scared, though the lighting by Jeff Cutter (Orphan) is probably the loveliest thing in this movie, besides Cassidy.

People in their mid-twenties and up will probably keep going to see this movie because of its iconic name. When younger audiences come to realize that the film doesn't even do its job as a slasher, they'll stop going and forget it the way the kids of Elm Street need to forget Freddy.

Katie Cassidy, Please Marry Me

Since most of the attractive girls in the Binghamton, NY area have threatened me with restraining orders (you know who you are, blondies), I've decided that I'm going to have to stick with Hollywood starletts for my love needs. I'm just worried that my celebrity is going to prevent me from finding the one, you know?

Now that I've seen two ads for the new Nightmare on Elm Street, I'm officially in love with Katie Cassidy. She's the one who screams in the classroom.




The film is now playing.

I'll see you soon, Katie. Which dark alley works for you?

Doctor, It Hurts When I Do This...

Dear Jordan Leopold,

Please keep your head up from now on.



The NHL Playoffs are on now.

ValkyrieSDF1

Traffic Update: Gridlock in Algonquin...

So, I spent $40 on Episodes from Liberty City a couple of weeks ago, and I've hardly played it. Don't get me wrong; it's a great game. The expansions are worthy updates to GTA IV. I've just been too busy to play the game.

Great way to watch your money, Steve. Brilliant.

So what have I been doing instead of playing video games lately? Watching TV in the afternoon and shouting romantic advice at the characters, mostly.

"You don't need him, honey! YOU DON'T NEED HIM!"

Try it. It's cathartic when you're having girl/guy problems. Those people on the tube understand what you're going through.

"She's just a skank anyway! A SKANK!"

ValkyrieSDF1

Be Afraid, Summer Box Office. Be Very Afraid.

There's going to be a lot of 3D movies trying to earn your money at the local multiplex this summer, but you'll have some other choices, too. One of them consists of a ton of '80's, '90's, and ought's action stars teaming up to kick your butt.

The Expendables stars, in varying degrees of involvement-- and I am not making this up-- Sylvester Stallone, Dolph Lundgren, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Mickey Rourke, Bruce Willis, Jet Li, Randy Couture, Steve Austin, and Jason Statham. You might want to read that list again.

I also found out that the lovely Charisma Carpenter, of Buffy and Angel fame, is in the movie. Hey Charisma, glad to see you're getting work. Do you have the kids this weeend, or do I?



This really doesn't seem like a fair fight, all of these guys against one little box office.

Mom and Dad, I Have Something to Tell You...

No, not what you think. But I did watch the second Twilight film, New Moon, last night.

Um, there were girls there. Real ones. So that makes it okay. I saw it with a group of friends, and some of them were girls. But I still refuse to see these movies in theaters, no matter how much I want to be a movie critic. The only thing that could drag to a theater to see one of these in public is a smokin' girlfriend, but Jessica Alba and I are broken up right now.

So anyway, I was thinking about... holy crap! Did you see Taylor Lautner as Jacob in this thing? Look at him! He's like 12 but has the body of a Greek god. No wonder tween girls love these movies.

By the way, it was hard for me to watch you in that movie last night, Ashley. Come back to me. I miss you.

ValkyrieSDF1