Friday, March 25, 2011

Movies I Really Wish Didn't Suck: part 1

I will be bringing you an ongoing series at random intervals. These posts will name movies I wanted to love throughout my life that turned out to be crap. These are a real tragedy, and I'm going to get kind of emotional discussing them.

P.S. This is a great idea for a continuing series because Hollywood will always continue to supply us with disappointing crap!

1. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009)

I am happy to kick off this series with a Michael Bay "film" (hey, Mike!), and it is truly the worst of his worst. I didn't like Bay's 2007 original, but I had hopes that, since the production values on these movies are mammoth, he would hit the right tone with the sequel.

Boy, was I foolish. Transformers 2 is unwatchable, the epitome of cinematic excess, full of juvenile humor and racially stereotyped anime mechs. Shia LaBeouf is about as annoying as possible in it, and Megan Fox really doesn't get anything to do besides look good. In fact, the only thing Bay seems to want his (supposedly 'tween) male audience to objectify more than her curves is all of the military imagery.

I hated Revenge of the Fallen.

2. The Matrix Reloaded (2003)

The Matrix (1999) is one of my favorite movies, and the trailers for its sequel made Reloaded look amazing, but the film was a complete waste of time. It broke the rules already established for its universe by the first film, and it did so with bad contrivances to boot.

The Wachowski brothers got too ambitious with their effects sequences so that the fight scene between Neo (Keanu Reeves) and a ton of Agent Smiths (Hugo Weaving) in the middle of the film literally looked like a cartoon. The story went swiftly down hill, and the filmmakers made the mistake of minimizing Neo's power; all of the momentum from The Matrix was gone.

On the bright side, the film's freeway chase scene is one of the greatest action scenes ever crafted.

3. The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003)

Yeah, I might as well piss off everyone sooner rather than later with this list. But I know the story of LOTR better than you (unless your name is Tolkien), and I'm passionate enough about Peter Jackson's trilogy paling in comparison to the books that I should write a doctoral thesis about it.

Jackson and his band of rich, know-it-all writers had already dug themselves a hole by butchering the second part of the trilogy and leaving too much ground to be covered in the final film. How to fix this? Well, simply leave out tons of amazing moments, exclude main characters, and reduce Tolkien's poetic writing to bad one liners.

"I am no man!"? Are you kidding me?!?

Boy, 2003 sucked.


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